Friday Night Confessions or Videos

Hi Facebook World, Strangers, Friends, People who take the time to visit, 

I know that when I post my blog on facebook that people don't like it or comment but I find the best part is when someone tells me they did read it.  It's like my secret place and hopefully you find my space to be interesting, shitty, lovely, whatever you want. While most of you are out with friends or drinking, out to movies , etc. I will say im the other part of the population, home on a friday night, watching you tube videos. I stumbled upon two.. that if you have 50 min .. i recommend watching but be warned: I am a hopeless romantic but i left feeling how I should feel: happy to be alive. With so much going on these days around the world, in the US and even in our daily lives, I think we often (myself included) find reasons to complain. Reasons to be unhappy. I guess these two videos were my Friday night reminders that despite my ongoing issues with depression, I should and try my best to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, moments in time..whether you know me well or know me not so well.. its no surprise that I've been battling depression for almost 10 years. Depression is a disease not an excuse, its made me do things to hurt the people i love, hurt myself and lose friends. I lost my best friend to depression who couldn't understand that as much as I wish I could've chosen to want to live at a certain point in my life like her father an grandmother, that I couldn't. I am not mad at her for not wanting to be my friend, since i will never truly know how it feels to lose your dad until that day comes for mine. All i can say is that I simply miss her and that I'm sorry she couldn't understand. This isn't meant to be a sob story but I'll be honest, recently I've been up and down about my recent weight gain. Everything is in my control but sometimes my bed wins and sometimes these videos of love or survival or these reminders that life is precious are what get me through my day. I enjoy a good cry too i admit..its so crazy you know.. I used to tell my sister to not cry as a kid. I told her it was a weakness and then after certain circumstances, that layer broke through and i realized that emotions are healthy. Male or female, I believe that everyone has a point in their life where they aren't happy. About their work life, their love life, their personal appearance etc. If someone takes the time to watch one video and if that can make your day or night better then this was not a waste a time.

Thanks for visiting. 

Thanks to those who continuously show me their love. I know im not a perfect person and I won't ever try to be. 

XOXO dee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NjKgV65fpo 

Video on a teenage boy's last days battling cancer 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVTr5MNa_8Y&feature=c4-overview&list=UUwQLcyLbfm2erg_j0_ZTG5Q

The director who helped with the video above (the one where celebrities sing) proposed to his gf. Parts are corny but the end is the best. I think everyone hopes to find love like that.

Who, What, When, How of Online Dating

Hi Everyone, 

I took a much needed break on my blog. Call it laziness, call it realizing that I was writing to express my relationship issues or just issues! See I know! Anyways, I am writing this blog for a new friend and for all my other friends or people I don't know. I've had a lot of people ask me about online dating so here it is. I've helped with friends profiles, selections, interpreting messages etc. It is no secret to many that I started to online date when I was 20. Was I a serial online dater? No... I never met a lot of people or would go on a date Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat. People do it but quite frankly I have a bad memory and I don't have the time to do that and meet that many people. I'm 26 now and 6 years ago, online dating was still a little embarrassing.  I was also the youngest girl on there. Why did I do it? Because I was in a routine of work and home and meeting guys at bars was fun but not ideal. Ok enough about me. Here are my tips and what I believe will make you successful at online dating based on my experiences and what I've heard. 

Who: 

1) Do not just meet anyone. Ok obviously right? Ok, what  I'm saying is don't just meet the first few people who message you or ask to meet right away. There are tons of people on this thing- you think you don't have options but you do - and im talking for girls and for guys.  People deactiviate or activate profiles all the time. Be confident , don't settle and have fun!!

What: 

Your profile if you are a girl should not be too long. Your profile for a guy should not be too short- it shows zero effort and zero personality. Pictures should include you actually doing something-on vacation, physical activity, with friends and maybe even family if that is important to you. If you are concerned about the privacy of your friends or family- just include pictures that show something you enjoy to do. Don't just upload pictures of your face taken by yourself. A funny one is nice to have too. 

When & How: 

Online dating is scary. There are creeps . Guys who stalk. Girls who stalk and much  more. I've gotten messages for three-somes, guys who won't leave me alone.. but guess what.. you just don't reply.   Honestly, I have never met a bad guy or had a bad  date. Many remain friends and I have found love online. I've heard the horror stories and although i secretly wanted to experience it (guy trying to escape  me or me trying to escape them ) i am grateful for the positive experiences. If you want to actually meet someone for a relationship- there are a few KEY RULES and UNDERSTANDINGS.  You need to go into this realizing and accepting that everyone is talking to 10+ people and you will be too. This isn't for the lazy. Don't reply too quickly but don't wait more than 1-2 days because that person may have already "eliminated you" as an option to be frank or have decided they have person 1-5 and and your # 7 and won't reply to you anymore. The best way to online date is to have a pool of maybe 10 , and keep narrowing it based on the mail exchanges  ( maybe after 2-3 messages ) numbers will be exchanged and depending on a few texts- and a phone call- you should maybe meet 3/10 people.  Why? Because this way you can remember everything , you can focus on finding a quality person and aren' t just going on useless dates wasting time and money again and again. Let the guy ask for your number and initiate a call if you are a girl but I am all about the girl doing a profile search and being the first to message the guy if interested. Why? because there are a lot of people online, maybe your dream guy didn't come across you but you came across him instead. Make every message  a paragraph maybe two but no longer. Ask at least two questions based on their profile for the first message and if the communication starts, always ask 1-2 questions to keep the convo open. If you don't get a reply, don't get offended, don't obsess about that person not responding . As a female and male, accept that 50% , maybe more wont reply. Maybe the person isn't interested, maybe they are dating a few people already and don't want to add more to their situation,  maybe they don't go online often, maybe they are on vacation.. don't obsess ok? A person may be hot , have a good profile but you won't know until you talk to them more. Another key rule: Don't fall in love after date 1, 2, or 3. Don't expect this person to want to quit their account and date you right away exclusively. To be honest, I've noticed guys have a problem with this a lot. They don't want to know the girl is out on a date with someone else- that they have competition. If you can't get over this, you can't online date. This was something I worried about too. What if I really like a guy after a few dates and he likes me too but he ends up choosing someone else? Be prepared for it because it can happen. The worrying stopped when I just decided that "yes, I want a boyfriend" but when its right, we will both eventually choose each other. If this person chooses someone else, maybe I just earned a friend or a few experiences/dates where i had a good time. Also, I don't agree to meeting for coffee. I feel like i'm worth more than a 5.00 drink and quite frankly if you want to judge me in a few minutes and make it quick just in case i'm weird .. well you have no balls. Take the girl to eat a meal.. do something fun.. I always find that it makes things more comfortable to say if you are nervous, to be honest and say you are new to online dating if you are and you can laugh about it. You can ask their experience in terms of how they like it but no questions about how many people they are dating currently etc. I don't like to play games although everyone knows you have to in the beginning to an extent... but being honest is the best approach to online dating. You are seeing 3 people now and don't want to see 1/3? Tell him/her right away, nicely, respectfully and hopefully they are mature enough to not be upset and understand. You don't need to be disrespectful and just not reply to messages or texts anymore if you already met them and they aren't psychos ( you shouldn't be in this situation though, remember!) When I would message a guy the first time, at the end I wrote, "i hope i hear from you and if not, good luck on here." because you assume that everyone is on here for the same thing-to find someone to love and you should want to wish that  happiness on them.

If you want to be more selective and want to get to know the person more, these days asking if they have Facebook could be helpful. You can see more photos etc. Is this stalking ? sure but they will stalk yours too..trust me. Just go into this whole online dating thing not expecting much but willing to give the time and effort to be successful.. this way I didn't get disappointed but instead felt good when I did have a good date. If you are a girl, don't expect the guy to pay every date.. you should offer too! Avoid having a profile that seems like you are trying too hard. Girls = writing too much Guys = too corny! too many funny lines 

How I rate the online sites: 

1) OKcupid- best looking crowd- no fee- most success - no fee = hey im casualy trying to be with someone and if it works out = hell yea

2) Plenty of Fish- Creepers/sex, never done it

3) Match.com- you pay and the crowd isn't as good-fee = im trying really hard for love? thats how i felt.. some people have accounts on there forever.. trust me. i know of them.

Do i think i am an expert on love? No way! I've had my heart crushed, i've crushed hearts .. everything! But i do know that im pretty good at judging character and social habits. Need help? Message me! 

XOXO

Dee

PS: There is more probably I am missing- this is long and good luck!! 

Concerts & Art & Wine

Concerts!! Art & Wine Festivals! 

I've been really bad about my blogging.. but I'm bored and I need somewhere to log all this and maybe you'll find a concert or art/wine festival to go to! :)  Let me know if you plan on going to any and want to meet up!

XOXO 

Dee

CONCERTS:

July 19th- Atmosphere & Slightly Stoopid- Greek Theatre - GOING!

July 26th & 27th - The Postal Service- Greek Theatre

July 26 & 27th-Eddie Griffin- San Jose Improv

August 9,10, 11- Outside Lands- Golden Gate Park - GOING AUG 10!

August 17th- Rebelution & Matisyahu- Greek Theatre

September 14-15 - Rock the Bells- Shoreline 

September 20- Lee Fields and the Expressions- Bimbos 365

October 12- Jack Johnson- Fox Theatre

October 19-20- Treasure Island Music Festival 

November 1- Iron & Wine- Fox Theatre

November 10- Selena Gomez

Jan 22- Nitro Circus Live- HP Pavilion

*Need to check out Yoshis in Oakland or SF- Food & Concert Daily

ART & WINE FESTIVALS:

July 13-14- Los Altos Arts & Wine Festival- Los Altos

August 3-4- Oakland Art & Soul Festival, Oakland

August TBD- Oakland  Chinatown Streetfest 

August 24-25- Palo Alto Festival of the Arts- Palo Alto

September 7-8 Mountain View Art & Wine-Mountain View

September 14-15- Santa Clara Art & Wine - Santa Clara

Oct 13-14-Oktoberfest- Campbell 

http://boblivingstone.com/married-for-forty-years-how-did-we-make-it/

Interesting how things turn out. Im happy now, I have a good guy in my life who makes me feel happy. .So many things to do and see and we share the love for music and exploration. He has a good heart  and makes me smile.

Its funny actually how and what happened when I met Mark. I dated him and my ex at the same time and i chose to keeping seeing my ex instead. We didnt see one another until after my ex and I broke up , but he didn't change a bit and we instantly fell back to where we were supposed to be. There was a time I didn't think or want to love again.. my heart was broken and my future destroyed. I found out a couple days ago that my ex is going to be a dad.. with his new gf and besides being in shock i realized, that was the other sign that I was never meant to be with him. I was never meant to marry him or anything. My hopes with Mark are good, I guess it isn't the dream of marriage I want but the dream of an everlasting love and best friend that I search so deeply for. I've lost a lot of good friends over time and lost loves by my choice or theirs and I guess when I see an old couple still in love or exploring the world, I always hope that can be me. I think with any relationship there are struggles, I know Im not easy to date. My days are 50% good, 50% bad and there are times when i dont feel much at all. Im trying hard to be a better person, friend, everything but I know my safe place, in my room, alone is my sanctuary that often wins. I didn't think I could love mark so soon, but I do because of a lot of reasons. He is so sweet and loving. I love you.

you say he is so lucky and i have no idea why this always happens after i leave and cry.

sometimes i have no idea what im doing. what i want

sometimes i wonder about if i will ever get married or not. i love to be alone in abnormal doses.. i find peace in being alone. a friend told me today about his grandma who has vertigo and can no longer sleep upstairs in her room. his grandpa sleeps everyday downstairs with her on a reclining chair. he does the laundry, cooks and takes care of her. i wonder if i will ever find a  love like that. someone to take care of me when im old and wrinkly. sometimes i feel as if my expectations are high and i get disappointed in my relationships- im a hopeless romantic. im in a good one now but i always wonder can i be with anyone i can see everyday ? can anyone ever understand my complex thoughts and reasoning. can my bouts of sadness never hurt them when they come and go in waves. i wonder.

http://www.youtube.com/user/msxjenixe

i hate selfish people. i hate that my sister is selfish and i hate that i constantly think one day she will lose it all and have noone to go to.

Noone will ever understand me. I feel everything- I think deeply . Noone will ever understand me.

http://blog.audriepottfoundation.com/

This national case - Audrie Pott's suicide and rape /cyber bullying hits so close to home for me. I didn't think I would get so absorbed by it but it made me realize that crazy things/bad things can happen anywhere. Audrie went to Saratoga High. I went to Saratoga High...  a school whose reputation is for academics and wealth. Audrie went to a party, parents out of town, got drunk and passed out. Do you want to know how familar this situation is? It's fucking familar to anyone who ever went to a house party in highschool. It could've happened to any of us- these boys were her friends... all 16 yrs old... I can only imagine the pain this family must be going through. The school district seemed to fuck up, the SHS newspaper seems to have been inconsiderate and there are things I read that I can only imagine. This beautiful girl was so ashamed... so hurt and hopeless. I don't know at all what Audrie went through but that feeling where she felt she had no choice or will to live i can understand . Her attempt turned to reality and i want nothing more than for justice to be served for this family and for Audrie. This is not ok , this poor girl was exposed and harassed let alone raped by 3 guys. One of the sheriffs on this case used to be my police academy teacher.. this hits close to me. I'm upset at the district , at the school and im upset at our judicial system. things like gun control and congress and all this other bs not changing because of the system our society has created. This generation is getting worse and worse. So sad and what can you do to save it?

I have to say three things right off the bat : my blog is not the happiest  place on earth . two this story is not exaggerated at all (like how some can be) and three: recent events are making me so sad - about society. I know there is good , lots of good and i put my faith in that while i try to understand why things are the way the are. I had an interesting day today , good luck for the most part. I won $100.00 at Victorias Secret at the mall and got to have a nice dinner w my dear friend Rachael who is the sweetest. We had dinner at the mall, a new fusion japanese place they replaced recently. First floor by Macys men. I sat where you can easily see the escalator and people walking around. Rachael had her back to it. We just finished eating, paid and suddenly I saw something that I can't even believe happened right now. An infant, just about 2 years old, crawled onto the escalator and was completely face down legs and arms moving around while the escalator was moving up and up. He was struggling and I seriously fucking ran for it, moving escalator on step 4 or so and swooped him up in my arms. Noone in front of him, noone riding the escalator behind him, im talking noone. NOONE. In my arms he is crying and as I go down the escalator with him I try to see if he can talk or where his mom is, all I say is "Mom?" "Mom?" He is crying and crying and doesn't speak a word. By the time I am down there is still noone to claim him. I look around- side to side , in front  and Rachael shows up and is in shock . She thought I saw someone I knew and just decided to dash for the escalator to say hi. She said next thing she knew I was holding an infant. About 1 minute or less went by and suddenly to my left I see a lady with two kids in a stroller and of the same ethnicity as the child (Mexican) I say, "Is this your child?" Honestly, I was worried, like do I call mall security  to call the police? Is this child neglect? Honestly, I know kids run off for a few seconds and stuff but the time it took for me to go up the escalator and down and still wait .. this wasn't a 5 yr old.. this boy was 2 ... Anyways, as I'm talking to the Aunt, a bigger woman comes up with another baby and she immediately starts to aggressively YELL AT ME!!! "Give me my baby!" I honestly thought for a minute, crap its her baby but is this baby ok? Of course, this was in a very public setting but this lady was big and ghetto. 4 kids and 1 aunt who was like speechless and noone else in public intervened. I was so shaken up and out of breath that I think I just said , " do you know what happened?" To be honest , I don't remember saying that her baby got onto the escalator and was face down on it . I think she thought maybe he just wandered off.. I have no clue cause she was too busy YELLING AT ME. I was in shock.. she then said "He just ran away OK!! " then aggressively asked if Rachael and I had kids and we said "No" She said " Exactly" I'm like WTF... as we are staring and like trying to express anything.. she yells at us " His Dad just died OK!!!" I'm like ok.... I'm sorry but you neglecting your child and going to the mall and the father dying has nothing to do with..wait why are you mad at me?  All I could say was "You're Welcome!!!!" She was so pissed i couldnt believe it. I think she was threatened because she thought I would call the police on her. Honestly it was bad enough where I should've but it was an aggressive situation and I was in shock. There was one guy who saw the whole thing . He was on the other side of the escalator but he didn't do anything because he had his own baby to attend to. When the lady and her 4 children and aunt went off in a hurry, he told me , "That lady is crazy. You shouldn't have saved her baby, she would learn a lesson." I know he probably didn't mean it.. I mean I didn't want a fucking medal but holy crap. If that baby had been on there the whole time it took the mom or aunt to realize the child was gone for like minutes.. something worse physically would've happened or more people wouldve seen it and maybe the mother would've faced some authority. Part of me wishes I did something more but this lady was a crazy bitch. The boy had scratches on his face and all I felt was sadness for this kid. Some people should not be allowed to have children or more children. I get that kids run off but this was not ok. No regrets in getting involved but shame on this mother.. I wonder if she even knew or what made her think it was ok to yell at me when I didn't even claim to report it or anything... seriously sometimes I wonder. Worst than when you offer the homeless food and they don't want it. Bless this little child.
XOXO dee

everyone is a piece of fucking shit. so annoying and fucking assholes. 

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

omg i died

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/deesk


My old photo blog

“

Eyes that gaze into mine,
A smile that is lost on his lips—
That is the unretouched portrait
Of the man to whom I belong.

When he takes me in his arms
And speaks softly to me,
I see life in rosy hues.
He tells me words of love,
Words of every day,
And in them I become something.
He has entered my heart,
A part of happiness
Whereof I understand the reason.
It’s he for me and I for him, throughout life,
He has told me, he has sworn to me, for life.
And from the things that I sense,
Now I can feel within me
My heart that beats.

In endless nights of love,
A great delight that comes about,
The pains and bothers are banished,
Happy, happy to die of love.

”

—	Edith Piaf, La Vie en Rose

There is a certain someone who Im not sure if I should reach out to . I knew her quite well in highschool she was little miss perfect. Cheerleader, happy all the time, perfect rich family, so nice but everyone could see through her. I am actually still just fbook friends with her and I know its none of my god damn business about what has become of her but i find it extremely interesting.  I think she still continues to want to be perfect and to be honest, I wonder if she shows people know she is coked out. I guess my vent is that while people made judgments about me in HS , look who graduates, is a teacher for kindergarden kids and buys pills off a craigs list? yeah thats right- she contacted someone I know selling pills on craigslist. I have absolute no hatred towards this girl except to tell her to be real with herself, that her dropping 30 + pds which she did isn't the meaning of life. that her bleach blonde hair and the pills to get her through the day to be miss perfect is all a lie and eventually people will see through it. I guess I always felt like laying it out there it never makes me better but at least it makes me feel alive and real. I am human, I have issues and trying to be physically perfect like I did at one point in my life got me nowhere. I dont want to sound like a preacher- everyone has their own life- their own shit but i do find it interesting about how social media and people portray themselves and im sure i do it myself. I wonder if they ever feel like they shouldnt be around children , that what they are doing is setting an example of who they arent themselves. i wont reach out because im sure one day she will realize everyone always knew she was not miss perfect cause noone is. 

\
so pretty

how silly

i wish mermaids & unicorns were real.

i know ive been writing about my ex a lot. i know its probably awkward because now i have a bf and its probably weird to do so but i need this to heal. my bf came back into my life immediately after my hard breakup- he understood the situation and has handled things well despite my sadness and the drama that was included in all of this. it was the hardest break up of my life, i just cried my eyes out the last 15 minutes because  finally months after breaking up- i realized its really over. the way my ex worked i think only i will understand . i know im the only one who ever believed certain things or ever understood why things happened. anyone including myself would've said that i shouldn't have jumped into this current relationship- but I'm happy. he makes me happy and I respect him for knowing the truth and still thinking im worth the situation. I wouldn't want to let go of this chance to fall in love again - i wouldnt want to let somebody good go . I cried so much just now because i think the day has come where my ex and I wish each other well and he told me he is dating and he knows im with my bf and that we will always be there for each other. I don't care what anyone thinks- i will always be there for this person. My bf understands this and accepts this and there are two ways to look at it. either that he is crazy to do so or that he is confident and trusts me and for that reason I am with him. My ex told me that I was  one of the kindest souls he has ever met and that to me was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said. You see, I used to be popular, lots of friends, super social and due to my depression, emotional ups and downs, boyfriends over friends, laziness etc. I have lost a lot of friends. I know a lot of it is my fault- I wrap myself up in work or I overplan my life so I get tired or if I'm in a down mood I flake. I'm working on it though- I'm working on being more social and i know I need to be the person I show on the outside , that this person needs to be the same when I'm alone at home. I also know that I'm in my 20's... the critical ten years where you figure out which friends stuck by you and which one didn't. I often feel sad or bad when I look at the friendships I have lost or weakened, ones more important than others but then I think about how important it is there are a few people who still love the crazy me. The flaky, the sad or dramatic or goofy me. There are people I miss like Tiffany, Veronica, Michele and Sean. These were all very close people in my life that for different reasons are lost in mine now. I like to think that maybe one day we can reconnect and if not, I like to think that those people can remember me as the person i was when we were good friends. One of my good friends is upset with me because I can never hang out- i think some of it is misunderstandings and the other is just me being too busy, but I think being my friend is also understanding that Im really busy. I think part of being my friend is understanding that I have frequent bouts of depression- for absolutely no reason at all. that telling me that my life isnt so bad or what is wrong now is the worst possible thing to say and just accepting that maybe i may have a chemical imbalance and may want to stay home where its quiet and where i can feel safe is ok to do. I would never want this to be an excuse to be a bad friend- but this understanding would help. I am forever thankful for those who have  made my recent months so wonderful. to julie- for coming back into my life and making me laugh so much. to monica- for managing to be the strongest woman I know. to my bf mark- who shows me all the world has to offer. to preston & michael- who came back after years apart and who are as busy as I am. to selena- my dear friend who proved to me that your life can change for the better .to dan- who encouraged and supported my blog and who i will enjoy a concert with tomm. to all the people who i havent talked to or seen for years who reached out about topics regarding  drugs, depression, tough breakups etc. thank you for supporting my blog and reaching it. thank you for taking the time to read things that I know not most people would write. 

XOXO dee 

i wish you knew how hard this was for me. how much i cry and how much it hurts me to see you sad and in pain. i wish you knew that i didn't mean to hurt you and that i just need to look forward and not back.
i wish you knew that i am crying at work because its hard to say goodbye . i wish you knew that the dreams we had together are gone for me too. i wish you feel relieved to know that i am in good hands, that im ready to love again and that the memories i shared with you wont be forgotten .

i finally decided to move on. move on from the love of my life and accept that things werent meant to be. i know he is reading this and it makes me sad to know he is sad or angry with me for moving on. I don't think I was unclear about the situation. I knew we couldnt be together right now and he wanted me to say I loved the guy I was dating when that couldnt be possible to say. I realized though, this weekend that someone else does make me happy, puts a smile on my face and can maybe be the person i go to when im sad. i do love my ex bf, as someone in my life. i hope he finds love like i plan to, i hope he forgives me for choosing to walk away. its been a  lot of ups and downs- we made the mistake of too much contact as ex's and pointing fingers. he may say this is my revenge but the real problem was like the statement above, when you have issues that are fix-able and not worth throwing away a good thing- you dont. and i think thats where we failed from day one. sure i know i told him i love you after we broke up, but you dont fall out of love with someone overnight- but i am choosing to look at what is in front of me, as awkward of a time when i probably should be single, i have decided that someone has come into my life who is not worth giving up. i want to love him and i want to see where things go. as hard as this is for me to say goodbye to my ex, i hope one day he can say hi to me or remember me as someone who cared the world for him. some people just arent meant to be together no matter how much you try. he always called me coco and i will always remember being coco. its not easy saying goodbye to someone you see in pain and confusion but i need to move on and i want him to move on because he deserves love too.

you deserve love too.

fucking adorable

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-wanted-to-tell-you/

i feel so empty and i dont why know why. maybe because im burnt out. i want more but there isnt enough time. ive been feeling sad and i dont know why. i dont want neone to feel bad for me i guess i just want it to go away. i want to be so happy all the time that it makes me sick

      BLESSED FEELINGS FOR OTHERS

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY, NOT FOR ME BUT FOR PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO MEAN A LOT TO ME. I'VE HEARD NOTHING BUT GOOD NEWS FROM PEOPLE WHO I LOVE. TWO PEOPLE THIS WEEK CAME IN CONTACT WITH ME TO LET ME KNOW GOOD NEWS. 1) A DEAR FRIEND WHO 1.5 YRS AGO, LOST IT ALL - FAMILY , FRIENDS , LOVE AND NOW HAS THE LIFE SHE ALWAYS DREAMED OF. 2) A FRIEND WHO I THOUGHT DISAPPEARED AGAIN INTO THE DEEP DARK HOLE OF DRUGS HAS CONTACTED ME YET AGAIN.

FML -------------------> COLLECTIONS ---------------------------->MEDICAL BILLS ----------------> NO TIME FOR 2nd JOB.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-10-best-indie-movies-currently-on-netflix-instant/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-way-you-should-love-someone/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/21-things-to-look-for-in-a-boyfriend/

true except #19

love her

WANT !!!!!!!!!!!

i

im a failure and want to cry

been so bad about this lately... i do have a lot of feelings and thoughts running around. im a bit overwhelmed with work and things to do and finding enough time to do them. i met dad for dinner and we shared a table with this chinese couple who spoke two words the entire dinner for 45 min. "get the bill" and "ok" and i couldn't help but think that I hope i never get married and get so bored or comfortable to even go out to dinner and not say a word. They didnt seem to be in a fight- they seemed like this was their relationship. it was so sad. thats all . xxox dee

dream vintage bridesmaid dresses. LOVE

http://www.graceandsean.com/

My sister's wedding website- get inspired- leave a note on the guestbook. SO EXCITED FOR SPAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im so happy these days. im making steps to make things better for me & although im crazy busy the next couple weeks, im looking forward to spring & summer. i find less days where im sad or where i feel a flat buzz state of mind. my goal is to become happy with myself again before i try to reconnect with my old friends who ive lost due to my selfishness & persistence to isolation. realistically it will go two ways, some will say we grew apart and some will accept that i just needed to get better. i know this wont happen overnight because it took forever to get me here and keep me here. im feeling encouraged to go explore more, live in my 20s instead of despising it and trying to be more positive although i stand by my realistic perceptions and conclusions of the dark in this world. i guess i just never want to set myself up for failure, heartbreak, disappointment. but im realizing, it all happens anyways whether im optimistic or not.
xoxo dee

if i was ever to get married, id want  to look like this- low key and free

passion

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Beachy Keen Knit Leg Warmers OMBRE Rainbow Color Block Lightweight Leg Warmers Mint Green, Coral and Blues

WANT!!!! but $35.00 for leg warmers..?? EHHHHHH

girl crush

i am so fucking stressed out it is unbelievable. work. love. personal at home shit. breathing .

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/whats-up-with-lena-dunham-celebrating-womens-bodies/

I enjoy thought catalog- sometimes they post stuff worth pondering because I watch the HBO show "GIRLS" and I myself have struggled with weight and self-image. With how naked Lena Dunham gets in the show , I really thought she has balls to do so. She isn't a size 0, 1 or 2. She has curves and she is proud to have them. i can't say i feel the same. i am asian, most of my fellows are sticks , i have boobs and a big butt- and bigger arms and thighs. i hope one day i can be comfortable like Lena. I can say fuck you im not a model, im a human .

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas ??!!!
Ehh.. who cares ! I'll let you know! :) 


I suppose if I wrote about my adventures when I was a little younger it would' ve been much more exciting or inappropriate but I am 26. I am 26 and often act as a grandma. I isolate myself and contemplate the world but I really am trying to be young again.. I swear! So.. I booked a trip to Vegas last weekend, me & 2 other guys. What can I say, girls hate me. No ,but really I have more guy friends I think because they get my I don't give a hoot attitude a little more better. Love my girls though. So my guy  friend and his friend came along and I just went ready to do whatever I wanted. I went for two days- i wouldn't stay longer than that  mainly  because my body won't allow it and because i am broke.

Day 1: Thursday
I stayed at Encore, connected to the Wynn. It was pretty Baller and I would recommend for sure. You can close your blinds with a button, tv in bathroom, you know all that good stuff. I lost $40.00 playing Ghostbuster slots which in Tahoe I won $150+ so i thought it would help but it didn't. My friend has the hook up in vegas so I went to the club Tryst. Had fun but the real entertainment started at when I went to Spearmint Rhino strip club. I wish I could say I enjoyed it like I thought I would- I'm thinking a stage and a pole. I walk in and as drunk as I may be, it was a brothel. HOT girls everywhere, topless, in their underwear walking around hustling or grinding on an old man in the chair who could be her father while he looks at her in lust. I get it, FANTASY. I get it and anyone who knows me knows that I am sexually liberal. A good friend asked me the other day how to talk dirty and I asked him why he wanted to know and he said I was wise like Buddha. Maybe a sexy Buddha haha jk!! anyways ... so these beautiful girls made me sad !!! i thought about how does one program your brain to do this for tons of money? I get it, its tons of money but when I saw how they hustled, how they subjected themselves to these men who they really could give two shits about , I thought about these girls parents and how these beautiful girls were victims of greed and materialism. I duno, I'm fucking lecturing and my friend said he won't ever take me again and I don't think i want to go. If you love it, more power to you, but honestly I can't love a beautiful thing that just wants my money and pretends to like me. Anyways, I'm glad I went- I saw it and I didn't like it. I decided to spend my fucking money on better things like poker and booze. Disclaimer: I don't drink much anymore so i knew i couldnt handle two days of drinking- so someone told me about Hangover Heaven- a bus that picks you up from your hotel, takes you to a clinic and literally inject you with IV's and meds... yes I did this and yes I paid $159.00 to do it. Photo below:

Now if you yelp the company or look on the site, they are legit. Super nice & get you all situated with fluids, a movie, comfy chair etc. Hangover Heaven has rave reviews- and maybe it was because I partied til 5:30 AM and didn't eat but it didn't totally clear me up. It definitely helped but the next day when I didn't use them, I felt better. Would I do it again? Hard to say but when I left, 6 guys walked in and I'm sure if I didn't do it, I would've died more. Now backtracking to this morning, I did get an email from Bank of America saying there must've been fraud because I was making unusual transactions - PLEASE NOTE : if you are going to vegas, if you have Bof A and are going to Vegas take the minute to tell them because YOU WILL GET SHUT DOWN. So as i think about my charges for the night, I look for my credit card and realize that with my ID is missing. YUP, I lost it well.. no.. I left it at the strip club and took a cab over there at 9:30 AM.. I walked a shame to the strip club to get my ID and credit card- i spent $50.00 on drinks and they charged $200.00 to hold it .. still processing but if it doesn't go away I swear those hooches are dead. lol jk. So that was pretty much it, nothing too crazy yea?
 heres to  Day 2 FRIDAY: 

Yes, that is a stripper pole sideways and this is inside Club XS. loved this club, gorgeous and up & coming new club. My friend had the hookup here too so that was awesome. Besides that I was a dumb ass and brought 2 pairs of 5 inch stilettos brand new and one cut up my feet with blisters and the other while walking in the hotel room i realized crunched my toes. I only had beach flip flops. I walked like I twisted my ankle or got fucked all night and my poor friends had to walk slower than anything. So I decided that I would get drunk, not be self conscious and wear my flip flops to the club. I would be 5'2 instead of 5'7 and doing nothing for my figure but I thought what the hell, im a gangster.  We ate at Capital Grill which he recomm. & it was amazing !! Delicious filet mignon & money well spent. Headed to Club XS and to be honest I was a weaksauce on day #2, my eyes were hungover chinky, i asked to stay in the hotel like a LOSER and im glad they dragged me out because once I got there, I was in the mood and I decided to  act 26 not 86. Good crowd, good music and overall a good time. Bumped into some old HS friends, dropped $400.00 on drinks <---- I know, I really wish I could use men for drinks! Damn it. After the club my friend convinced me to play poker, draw out $200.00 and we both played. I played like the most naive young girl poker player, i lost my money quick and my friend shortly after. I can play when there is less money involved but when its the big timers im like a lost pea in a bowl of fucking peas. Anyways, ready to kill my friend I go back to my hotel room- elevator time floor 39 and this creepy guy decides "Floor 39 looks great" He follows me and wont stop. I am by myself and being drunk , I am sweet and nice for about 7 minutes. "Just one try" is what I remember meaning, just one kiss, just one kiss. I really hate how foreign guys don't see that line that says um hey i am not a whore and letting u coming into my hotel room after u just stalked me. they are sweet though in their own way- this guy was Brazilian - he wouldnt give up and i quickly thought to myself if i should turn into a crazy bitch and yell or punch his face. well being the sweetheart i am, hahah i walked and talked until i hit my room., told him i have a bf, quickly put in my key and slammed his face in the door and bolted it. i jumped in the shower for an hour or so just laying there to sober up- my friend thought i died but i was fine. that was pretty much it- maybe i left some juicy details out maybe i didnt but if anything, now you know 2 good clubs , a good restaurant and to never leave ur credit card and ID at a strip club . thanks for reading xoxoxo
dee

INDIE MOVIE TIME: 
i love indie flicks- they have a certain dry humor, a certain way of feeling very real & a charm that is different from the big hollywood flicks. often, there are little interwoven stories that connect with one another.  don't get me wrong, i love the mainstream flicks  but I can't get enough of the indie scene: call me hipster , i call you fucker :)  jk..thanks for visiting !! XOXOXOXO

Making this dumb simple and straight to the point for you guys : YES or NO to watch & my 2 cents. 

1) Tiny Furniture- YES , directed by Lena Dunham, same actor & director of HBO "Girls" if you like that, you will like this movie.

2) Compliance- NO , better to read the true details online -  this is based on the true story of the disturbing incident of what happened at a Mc Donalds . Guy posed as a policeman on the phone and the manager allowed sexual acts to be committed to the employee- shows human need to submit to authority.

3) Perks of being a Wallflower- YES, based off the critically acclaimed book, this is a sweet film- power to the awkward kids :)

4) Safety Not Guaranteed-  NO, dry humor at moments funny but overall dragged on and fell short. About a newspaper team who want to follow the story of a man who believes he can time travel.

5) Save the Date- YES, funny and heartfelt , reminded me of my sister & I. the challenges of love & the interesting twists life can take.

6) The Sessions - YES, i wrote about this before and I def. recommend it. Based on true story of sex surrogate and  a severely disabled man.

7) Someday this pain will be useful to you- NO,  quite frankly I have nothing to day but no. I can't remember it because it was bad.

8) 10 Years- NO, HS reunion indie flick- featuring Channing Tatum- it wasn't horrible but I wouldn't waste my time.

misery is a butterfly, her heavy wings will warp your mind.
i saw this on instagram and loved it but i cant say im miserable these days.
ive been happier these days maybe because time heals all wounds and maybe because i stuck
to my guns about my values about people and making mistakes.
i feel at peace, i feel as though i dont have anger in my heart but instead a peaceful equilibrium between the sadness that prevails in my mind and the happiness that lives there as well.
some people wonder why im always sad where there is so much to be happy about and if i knew the answer maybe i wouldnt be sad at all. today i am happy- i feel good intentions and good music in my heart.

all i want

Digging this song right now.

lost in love and confusion. is it a delusion or should i be in seclusion? wow i just rapped.

love these-vintage roses made out of books on etsy.com

another not how i feel but like.

dont feel this way but like learning new words that have a lot of meaning.

i need to lose 15-20 pds. FML my ASSSSSSSSSSS
looks like this:


CRY. run bitch run lol