8.30.14

Beaches on TV- Hillary father was sick -
Plants are dead
Sick - be there

Homeless buck
you are beautiful but there is something that tells me you dont know that.

so sad

sometimes i get so sad
i feel nothing
but pretend i do
i guess that what i have to do to stay alive

Goddess. Love Her

Atelophobia

i see this everyday and it breaks my heart. 

i feel it everyday and it breaks my heart. 

why do we live in a world where just being who we are

our insides 

are not enough? 

stop staring at me but stare in me.

10 ways

http://www.thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/

This week

I dont want to go to therapy for many reasons so I'll write instead. 

My anxiety is getting worse. 

Going out in public- wanting to do much at all. 

I want to wake up soon and feel better.

Moments of laughter, moments of happiness then I am alone and I feel empty. 

What is my purpose in this world?

Place for comfort, place for pure exposure

I haven't written for so long. A lot has to do with time, a lot has to do with the fact that my blog became a place of sadness and I wanted to post about happy things. However; any good musician or writer will tell you its sometimes much more interesting to write about the bad. Note: I am not a good writer, I always am very well aware of my public outcry of
FML  but I don't care because I delete or because although i  get ZERO likes on fbook, I know someone read it. I know because there is a counter on this blog- its numerical or someone will message me something which is always nice. I never write for sympathy nor do I ever want to be seen as "poor me" At 27, I have learned that a lot of the issues in this world are how I react and it is up to me on how to be. However; change is hard. I know that I'm a sensitive person, I feel everything, I think a mile a minute, I care too much and then I shut down. If you have ever read this before, you'll know I have battled depression since I was 16 years old. I take medication everyday and have for years now and my dream is to one day wake up and never see those pills again. Am I sad everyday? No way. Do I want to end my life everyday? No. But every year, there will be times when I am lower than ever due to my brain chemistry, outside situations whatever it may be and I'm writing because I feel a deep low coming my way. Please note: I am well aware I have anything a person could want, a good job, family, friends , boyfriend, nice things, roof over my head. People have it much worse than me I know. The problem is the guilt knowing that and still feeling so incredibly empty. My brain is blank when I am alone. It starts off as losing more and more sleep. I don't sleep much anyways. My bed is my haven. I wake up and start feeling nothing. I do my routine, stay positive the best I can but I slip and I am unhappy and I don't know why. Well, some reasons yes, but there is more. I then start to fixate thoughts on how to not be on earth anymore. Please don't worry because when it gets bad, I don't say a word. I've been in this cycle for 11 years, i sleep it off or I try. I have wasted thousands of dollars on medical bills to pay for my actions and this is not why I am writing. I am writing because

I don't want to pay for therapy anymore. Writing helps me. I guess I could keep it to myself but I guess exposing myself makes me feel better understood. The worst thing is never feeling understood. I hide my depression from my boyfriend because he is the happiest person I know. Fear of losing him is high on the list. I have lost a lot of friends due to the way I am. Flaky, too busy with work, hiding in my room etc. my fault but partially I sometimes wish my friends knew that I loved them, that I try my best to be a good friend but sometimes I can't so I probably do deserve losing them. In many ways, I am selfish because I do everything I want to do to protect myself  or be alone. In many ways I am not because I will never do anything to change and focus all my energy to something else. Recently, it has been work. I work all the time and I know it is for the reason of me feeling like I need to prove myself to something or someone for never finishing college partially due to my poor decisions.  I do it because it takes the focus off me and how much i need to change. I went to the dentist today, I stared at that light (picture) for one hour and I just cried  in that chair because I felt so empty and I wanted it to go away. Poor dentist thinks I'm a weirdo but I just stared at that light and told myself, if today, I could choose to live or die , I would choose the latter. Then I went to visit my dad at work (he works right by the dentist)  and I went to him because I wanted a hug. I saw him and like everyone else, told me what I need to do, act on it. and I left crying because sometimes I just want to be understood. I came home and it was light out still so I went into my closet where I stared and told myself that I can't let this disease kill me, that I need to be a better friend and that I need to change. 

If only that were so easy I say. One day at a time, one day at time.