i know ive been writing about my ex a lot. i know its probably awkward because now i have a bf and its probably weird to do so but i need this to heal. my bf came back into my life immediately after my hard breakup- he understood the situation and has handled things well despite my sadness and the drama that was included in all of this. it was the hardest break up of my life, i just cried my eyes out the last 15 minutes because  finally months after breaking up- i realized its really over. the way my ex worked i think only i will understand . i know im the only one who ever believed certain things or ever understood why things happened. anyone including myself would've said that i shouldn't have jumped into this current relationship- but I'm happy. he makes me happy and I respect him for knowing the truth and still thinking im worth the situation. I wouldn't want to let go of this chance to fall in love again - i wouldnt want to let somebody good go . I cried so much just now because i think the day has come where my ex and I wish each other well and he told me he is dating and he knows im with my bf and that we will always be there for each other. I don't care what anyone thinks- i will always be there for this person. My bf understands this and accepts this and there are two ways to look at it. either that he is crazy to do so or that he is confident and trusts me and for that reason I am with him. My ex told me that I was  one of the kindest souls he has ever met and that to me was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said. You see, I used to be popular, lots of friends, super social and due to my depression, emotional ups and downs, boyfriends over friends, laziness etc. I have lost a lot of friends. I know a lot of it is my fault- I wrap myself up in work or I overplan my life so I get tired or if I'm in a down mood I flake. I'm working on it though- I'm working on being more social and i know I need to be the person I show on the outside , that this person needs to be the same when I'm alone at home. I also know that I'm in my 20's... the critical ten years where you figure out which friends stuck by you and which one didn't. I often feel sad or bad when I look at the friendships I have lost or weakened, ones more important than others but then I think about how important it is there are a few people who still love the crazy me. The flaky, the sad or dramatic or goofy me. There are people I miss like Tiffany, Veronica, Michele and Sean. These were all very close people in my life that for different reasons are lost in mine now. I like to think that maybe one day we can reconnect and if not, I like to think that those people can remember me as the person i was when we were good friends. One of my good friends is upset with me because I can never hang out- i think some of it is misunderstandings and the other is just me being too busy, but I think being my friend is also understanding that Im really busy. I think part of being my friend is understanding that I have frequent bouts of depression- for absolutely no reason at all. that telling me that my life isnt so bad or what is wrong now is the worst possible thing to say and just accepting that maybe i may have a chemical imbalance and may want to stay home where its quiet and where i can feel safe is ok to do. I would never want this to be an excuse to be a bad friend- but this understanding would help. I am forever thankful for those who have  made my recent months so wonderful. to julie- for coming back into my life and making me laugh so much. to monica- for managing to be the strongest woman I know. to my bf mark- who shows me all the world has to offer. to preston & michael- who came back after years apart and who are as busy as I am. to selena- my dear friend who proved to me that your life can change for the better .to dan- who encouraged and supported my blog and who i will enjoy a concert with tomm. to all the people who i havent talked to or seen for years who reached out about topics regarding  drugs, depression, tough breakups etc. thank you for supporting my blog and reaching it. thank you for taking the time to read things that I know not most people would write. 

XOXO dee