sometimes i wonder about if i will ever get married or not. i love to be alone in abnormal doses.. i find peace in being alone. a friend told me today about his grandma who has vertigo and can no longer sleep upstairs in her room. his grandpa sleeps everyday downstairs with her on a reclining chair. he does the laundry, cooks and takes care of her. i wonder if i will ever find a  love like that. someone to take care of me when im old and wrinkly. sometimes i feel as if my expectations are high and i get disappointed in my relationships- im a hopeless romantic. im in a good one now but i always wonder can i be with anyone i can see everyday ? can anyone ever understand my complex thoughts and reasoning. can my bouts of sadness never hurt them when they come and go in waves. i wonder.

http://www.youtube.com/user/msxjenixe

i hate selfish people. i hate that my sister is selfish and i hate that i constantly think one day she will lose it all and have noone to go to.

Noone will ever understand me. I feel everything- I think deeply . Noone will ever understand me.

http://blog.audriepottfoundation.com/

This national case - Audrie Pott's suicide and rape /cyber bullying hits so close to home for me. I didn't think I would get so absorbed by it but it made me realize that crazy things/bad things can happen anywhere. Audrie went to Saratoga High. I went to Saratoga High...  a school whose reputation is for academics and wealth. Audrie went to a party, parents out of town, got drunk and passed out. Do you want to know how familar this situation is? It's fucking familar to anyone who ever went to a house party in highschool. It could've happened to any of us- these boys were her friends... all 16 yrs old... I can only imagine the pain this family must be going through. The school district seemed to fuck up, the SHS newspaper seems to have been inconsiderate and there are things I read that I can only imagine. This beautiful girl was so ashamed... so hurt and hopeless. I don't know at all what Audrie went through but that feeling where she felt she had no choice or will to live i can understand . Her attempt turned to reality and i want nothing more than for justice to be served for this family and for Audrie. This is not ok , this poor girl was exposed and harassed let alone raped by 3 guys. One of the sheriffs on this case used to be my police academy teacher.. this hits close to me. I'm upset at the district , at the school and im upset at our judicial system. things like gun control and congress and all this other bs not changing because of the system our society has created. This generation is getting worse and worse. So sad and what can you do to save it?

I have to say three things right off the bat : my blog is not the happiest  place on earth . two this story is not exaggerated at all (like how some can be) and three: recent events are making me so sad - about society. I know there is good , lots of good and i put my faith in that while i try to understand why things are the way the are. I had an interesting day today , good luck for the most part. I won $100.00 at Victorias Secret at the mall and got to have a nice dinner w my dear friend Rachael who is the sweetest. We had dinner at the mall, a new fusion japanese place they replaced recently. First floor by Macys men. I sat where you can easily see the escalator and people walking around. Rachael had her back to it. We just finished eating, paid and suddenly I saw something that I can't even believe happened right now. An infant, just about 2 years old, crawled onto the escalator and was completely face down legs and arms moving around while the escalator was moving up and up. He was struggling and I seriously fucking ran for it, moving escalator on step 4 or so and swooped him up in my arms. Noone in front of him, noone riding the escalator behind him, im talking noone. NOONE. In my arms he is crying and as I go down the escalator with him I try to see if he can talk or where his mom is, all I say is "Mom?" "Mom?" He is crying and crying and doesn't speak a word. By the time I am down there is still noone to claim him. I look around- side to side , in front  and Rachael shows up and is in shock . She thought I saw someone I knew and just decided to dash for the escalator to say hi. She said next thing she knew I was holding an infant. About 1 minute or less went by and suddenly to my left I see a lady with two kids in a stroller and of the same ethnicity as the child (Mexican) I say, "Is this your child?" Honestly, I was worried, like do I call mall security  to call the police? Is this child neglect? Honestly, I know kids run off for a few seconds and stuff but the time it took for me to go up the escalator and down and still wait .. this wasn't a 5 yr old.. this boy was 2 ... Anyways, as I'm talking to the Aunt, a bigger woman comes up with another baby and she immediately starts to aggressively YELL AT ME!!! "Give me my baby!" I honestly thought for a minute, crap its her baby but is this baby ok? Of course, this was in a very public setting but this lady was big and ghetto. 4 kids and 1 aunt who was like speechless and noone else in public intervened. I was so shaken up and out of breath that I think I just said , " do you know what happened?" To be honest , I don't remember saying that her baby got onto the escalator and was face down on it . I think she thought maybe he just wandered off.. I have no clue cause she was too busy YELLING AT ME. I was in shock.. she then said "He just ran away OK!! " then aggressively asked if Rachael and I had kids and we said "No" She said " Exactly" I'm like WTF... as we are staring and like trying to express anything.. she yells at us " His Dad just died OK!!!" I'm like ok.... I'm sorry but you neglecting your child and going to the mall and the father dying has nothing to do with..wait why are you mad at me?  All I could say was "You're Welcome!!!!" She was so pissed i couldnt believe it. I think she was threatened because she thought I would call the police on her. Honestly it was bad enough where I should've but it was an aggressive situation and I was in shock. There was one guy who saw the whole thing . He was on the other side of the escalator but he didn't do anything because he had his own baby to attend to. When the lady and her 4 children and aunt went off in a hurry, he told me , "That lady is crazy. You shouldn't have saved her baby, she would learn a lesson." I know he probably didn't mean it.. I mean I didn't want a fucking medal but holy crap. If that baby had been on there the whole time it took the mom or aunt to realize the child was gone for like minutes.. something worse physically would've happened or more people wouldve seen it and maybe the mother would've faced some authority. Part of me wishes I did something more but this lady was a crazy bitch. The boy had scratches on his face and all I felt was sadness for this kid. Some people should not be allowed to have children or more children. I get that kids run off but this was not ok. No regrets in getting involved but shame on this mother.. I wonder if she even knew or what made her think it was ok to yell at me when I didn't even claim to report it or anything... seriously sometimes I wonder. Worst than when you offer the homeless food and they don't want it. Bless this little child.
XOXO dee

everyone is a piece of fucking shit. so annoying and fucking assholes. 

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

omg i died

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/deesk


My old photo blog

“

Eyes that gaze into mine,
A smile that is lost on his lips—
That is the unretouched portrait
Of the man to whom I belong.

When he takes me in his arms
And speaks softly to me,
I see life in rosy hues.
He tells me words of love,
Words of every day,
And in them I become something.
He has entered my heart,
A part of happiness
Whereof I understand the reason.
It’s he for me and I for him, throughout life,
He has told me, he has sworn to me, for life.
And from the things that I sense,
Now I can feel within me
My heart that beats.

In endless nights of love,
A great delight that comes about,
The pains and bothers are banished,
Happy, happy to die of love.

”

—	Edith Piaf, La Vie en Rose

There is a certain someone who Im not sure if I should reach out to . I knew her quite well in highschool she was little miss perfect. Cheerleader, happy all the time, perfect rich family, so nice but everyone could see through her. I am actually still just fbook friends with her and I know its none of my god damn business about what has become of her but i find it extremely interesting.  I think she still continues to want to be perfect and to be honest, I wonder if she shows people know she is coked out. I guess my vent is that while people made judgments about me in HS , look who graduates, is a teacher for kindergarden kids and buys pills off a craigs list? yeah thats right- she contacted someone I know selling pills on craigslist. I have absolute no hatred towards this girl except to tell her to be real with herself, that her dropping 30 + pds which she did isn't the meaning of life. that her bleach blonde hair and the pills to get her through the day to be miss perfect is all a lie and eventually people will see through it. I guess I always felt like laying it out there it never makes me better but at least it makes me feel alive and real. I am human, I have issues and trying to be physically perfect like I did at one point in my life got me nowhere. I dont want to sound like a preacher- everyone has their own life- their own shit but i do find it interesting about how social media and people portray themselves and im sure i do it myself. I wonder if they ever feel like they shouldnt be around children , that what they are doing is setting an example of who they arent themselves. i wont reach out because im sure one day she will realize everyone always knew she was not miss perfect cause noone is. 

\
so pretty

how silly

i wish mermaids & unicorns were real.

i know ive been writing about my ex a lot. i know its probably awkward because now i have a bf and its probably weird to do so but i need this to heal. my bf came back into my life immediately after my hard breakup- he understood the situation and has handled things well despite my sadness and the drama that was included in all of this. it was the hardest break up of my life, i just cried my eyes out the last 15 minutes because  finally months after breaking up- i realized its really over. the way my ex worked i think only i will understand . i know im the only one who ever believed certain things or ever understood why things happened. anyone including myself would've said that i shouldn't have jumped into this current relationship- but I'm happy. he makes me happy and I respect him for knowing the truth and still thinking im worth the situation. I wouldn't want to let go of this chance to fall in love again - i wouldnt want to let somebody good go . I cried so much just now because i think the day has come where my ex and I wish each other well and he told me he is dating and he knows im with my bf and that we will always be there for each other. I don't care what anyone thinks- i will always be there for this person. My bf understands this and accepts this and there are two ways to look at it. either that he is crazy to do so or that he is confident and trusts me and for that reason I am with him. My ex told me that I was  one of the kindest souls he has ever met and that to me was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said. You see, I used to be popular, lots of friends, super social and due to my depression, emotional ups and downs, boyfriends over friends, laziness etc. I have lost a lot of friends. I know a lot of it is my fault- I wrap myself up in work or I overplan my life so I get tired or if I'm in a down mood I flake. I'm working on it though- I'm working on being more social and i know I need to be the person I show on the outside , that this person needs to be the same when I'm alone at home. I also know that I'm in my 20's... the critical ten years where you figure out which friends stuck by you and which one didn't. I often feel sad or bad when I look at the friendships I have lost or weakened, ones more important than others but then I think about how important it is there are a few people who still love the crazy me. The flaky, the sad or dramatic or goofy me. There are people I miss like Tiffany, Veronica, Michele and Sean. These were all very close people in my life that for different reasons are lost in mine now. I like to think that maybe one day we can reconnect and if not, I like to think that those people can remember me as the person i was when we were good friends. One of my good friends is upset with me because I can never hang out- i think some of it is misunderstandings and the other is just me being too busy, but I think being my friend is also understanding that Im really busy. I think part of being my friend is understanding that I have frequent bouts of depression- for absolutely no reason at all. that telling me that my life isnt so bad or what is wrong now is the worst possible thing to say and just accepting that maybe i may have a chemical imbalance and may want to stay home where its quiet and where i can feel safe is ok to do. I would never want this to be an excuse to be a bad friend- but this understanding would help. I am forever thankful for those who have  made my recent months so wonderful. to julie- for coming back into my life and making me laugh so much. to monica- for managing to be the strongest woman I know. to my bf mark- who shows me all the world has to offer. to preston & michael- who came back after years apart and who are as busy as I am. to selena- my dear friend who proved to me that your life can change for the better .to dan- who encouraged and supported my blog and who i will enjoy a concert with tomm. to all the people who i havent talked to or seen for years who reached out about topics regarding  drugs, depression, tough breakups etc. thank you for supporting my blog and reaching it. thank you for taking the time to read things that I know not most people would write. 

XOXO dee 

i wish you knew how hard this was for me. how much i cry and how much it hurts me to see you sad and in pain. i wish you knew that i didn't mean to hurt you and that i just need to look forward and not back.
i wish you knew that i am crying at work because its hard to say goodbye . i wish you knew that the dreams we had together are gone for me too. i wish you feel relieved to know that i am in good hands, that im ready to love again and that the memories i shared with you wont be forgotten .

i finally decided to move on. move on from the love of my life and accept that things werent meant to be. i know he is reading this and it makes me sad to know he is sad or angry with me for moving on. I don't think I was unclear about the situation. I knew we couldnt be together right now and he wanted me to say I loved the guy I was dating when that couldnt be possible to say. I realized though, this weekend that someone else does make me happy, puts a smile on my face and can maybe be the person i go to when im sad. i do love my ex bf, as someone in my life. i hope he finds love like i plan to, i hope he forgives me for choosing to walk away. its been a  lot of ups and downs- we made the mistake of too much contact as ex's and pointing fingers. he may say this is my revenge but the real problem was like the statement above, when you have issues that are fix-able and not worth throwing away a good thing- you dont. and i think thats where we failed from day one. sure i know i told him i love you after we broke up, but you dont fall out of love with someone overnight- but i am choosing to look at what is in front of me, as awkward of a time when i probably should be single, i have decided that someone has come into my life who is not worth giving up. i want to love him and i want to see where things go. as hard as this is for me to say goodbye to my ex, i hope one day he can say hi to me or remember me as someone who cared the world for him. some people just arent meant to be together no matter how much you try. he always called me coco and i will always remember being coco. its not easy saying goodbye to someone you see in pain and confusion but i need to move on and i want him to move on because he deserves love too.

you deserve love too.