What's fucking wrong now, Diane?  I am hoping this helps me the way I think my post I took down did. I wish so bad I could write about my drunken adventures, losing my car, something to make you or me smile but I live in the present  & presently, I feel like an annoying, hypochondriac, fucking liar who is always sick. I feel like a piece of shit friend who flakes on everyone & everything. I feel like I am waiting for someone to tell me something I already know. What am I talking about? Well, if you are here, you probably already know because you are close to me but maybe you don't because you aren't.If you do know, just read what is in color. I want to first say that I am about to say is not 100% confirmed yet. I am not saying I have a disease but I am saying, that I know something is wrong & if I indeed have this disease, then fuck why now. Stay positive I know, I'm trying .. I am fucking trying!!!  But its hard when you have a fever  every other day, your body aches, you feel so tired , you have a bloody nose in your sleep -and the worst is waking up and realizing even though your always sick that the past month feels different. An hour ago I had a breakdown, I woke up from a nap and cried and cried and ran to my mom like a hopelessl  little girl. She felt my neck and in between my legs. We both knew I was running a fever and when I look at her eyes I know she believes me. My dad is addicted to skyping me and I cried as he watched me feeling scared. He told me everything is going to be ok but I know he is more scared than me. What am I talking about? Well, about a month ago, I started getting huge bruises half the size of my leg on my front left leg and front right leg. My body achy , my joints, i kept getting mouth sores (lack of sleep ones), etc..being the hypochrondriac I am, I told myself by googling things "I had leukemia" so I went to my doctor and ran some blood tests. 2 weeks ago, I got a call to come in to discuss the results. I knew when I got the call something was wrong but realistically I thought a vitamin deficiency. Instead, it turns out I tested positive for ANA- a preliminary test for having lupus. Lupus is a longterm auto immune disease where your antibodies don't know good from bad so they attack your bodies tissues. It ranges from mild to severe, there is no cure. There are medications to manage, lifestyle changes etc. The problem has been this: I gave more blood and it takes 2 weeks to get back. It's been week one and I called and no results. NO FUCKING RESULTS. SOMEONE TELL ME AM I GOING CRAZY AND MAKING MYSELF SICK? SOMEONE TELL ME IF I HAVE LUPUS. SOMEONE PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME. You know, I feel always misunderstood. Such an ungrateful, depressing person Diane is, emotional and not optimistic but I will have to say, if anything I have the pain of never feeling understood and I don't blame anyone although I wish I could sometimes. Is it reasonable for someone to understand my depression with my brain? My sickness with my body? No its not possible. When I first found out this situation , my gut feeling was that I have lupus. Either way, if it is lupus or not, my immune system is apparently inflammed. It all makes sense, sick all the time... they say you get fevers that come and go all the time, that people think its in your head because your symptoms & severity are different every day. This sounds just like me but maybe its not. but my GUT as I lay here warm as fuck and wanting to scream and ask someone why.... why now when my heart is broken and I need my body to be strong. Pity fucking party right? Well this is the colored part, the hardest part that in one week I will know. If I have lupus, do not  downplay it. I can't stand the reactions I get from people sometimes regarding things eventhough I know they are trying to help. The truth is though, I don't like downplaying things. People with lupus can live long healthy lives but people with lupus can also live short unhealthy lives. It's a guessing game disease. You can manage with medications but you can also have 30% kidney failure, liver etc. You can work full time but you can also get so sick you can't work.  You can carry a baby but you can also highly miscarry. You get me? STAY FUCKING POSITIVE RIGHT? TAKE BETTER CARE OF MY BODY? Yeah let me fucking do that when I have the energy needed to actually go to the gym. Let me do that when I don't fucking sleep. I know working out & eating healthy , a lifestyle change is what I need regardless of lupus or not. But my body feels weak, I'm scared to push myself - what if I get sicker? I don't want to miss work, I don't want to not go out, I don't want to keep flaking on people I make plans with. The sad thing is I know if I have this disease, that it will come in waves of severity and i will be able to count on my hand how many people don't get annoyed or believe that I feel sick after hearing it ALL THE TIME. This is why they have support groups. I'm sure I will lose more friends than I already have and who the fuck wants to date or marry someone who is also sick or can't do things? I know, its not 100% but im preparing myself . You know, once I dated someone and we broke up because I was sick so much , I think he got bored. im sick of being so negative , change DIANE, change. Humans are predictable, people disappoint you and although people may know , people forget. 
IM SAD AND IM SCARED- if this isnt lupus, is it another immune disease? am i just sick a lot? and why can't I tell the one person who I want to tell the most? My old best friend? I thought about telling her, but then I realized she probably doesn't want the stress of my life anymore- a reason I believe we aren't friends and maybe she can't handle me being sick like her father so maybe it is for the best. I think of her often, I think of the person she was and who she is now and who I am now.  im almost done , i promise. wow i have a raging fucking fever. fuck u lupus. fuck u body and everyone who thinks im a liar or thinks everything is in my head and fuck me if it is. The good thing is I know I have some good people around me now. so thank you. i think its sick of me to think that maybe if it was something terminal people would actually believe me. this lupus bs, live with it everyday of your life bs. not lupus? i will let you know . thanks for reading.