want to make these pants!

i started feeling better but i've been feeling super tired the last couple days eventhough i am sleeping more.i dont have much going on, im kinda in a ________________________ mood. that means nothing great nothing bad. i definitely  am not having a productive week so far and would like to.

lazy days. lazy ways. get ur shitz together lady.

Need to just go on a trip!!!!!! Blog is dead.

reuniting with old friends today. im scared to see B. i dont know if this is the last time i will see him before he dies, lands in jail again or if he really stays clean. i feel horrible not believing he can but its near to impossible to get off heroin. i decided i will bring photos with me, photos of the good times we all used to have and so he remembers us. besides that, my health feels a little better. im seeing a hematologist soon to figure some things out and on a personal note, im starting to move on from my ex. no time gg but i promise a good one soon. xoxo dee

GOOD  NEWS EVERYONE: I DON'T HAVE LUPUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT WHILE I WAS GOING CRAZY TO HEAR BACK. Since I still have symptoms and tested positive for ANA, i am going to see a rheumatologist & hematologist to see if I can figure out whats going on. xoxo dee

all i want is a dog& love

this looks amazing. i promise i will write on my favorite restaurants in the bay ... i am chubby and a foodie so i know :) Also, need to do a beauty blog for the girls !
XOXO dee

i like to buy myself an engagement type ring every few years. right now, the one I wear everyday is .5 carats and cost me about $400.00, its vintage and its a little weird that i do this..  but I never take it off and i consider it a gift for myself. the first one i got was a swarowski or however you spell it that my dad bought me because I convinced him i would go back to school.   in a year, ill upgrade and ill keep upgrading that thing until i actually get married and if i never do, i am buying myself this guy right here. thats right. dream ring motherfuckers.

i had a good day today. i thought about what to write about & the one word that comes to mind is : innocence. the above photo is from a movie i love called "CANDY" a disturbing love story about the love of two people & their destruction for their love of heroin. i hung out with my stepmoms niece today, 7 yrs old, chuck e cheese style & i realize everytime i hang out with kids or why I love them more than adults is because of their innocence. Their problems are if they have enough tickets to get a toy or if you will let them eat some candy. Tarin is actually drying my hair right now because I told her no more Spongebob squarepants. haha  I remember when my innocence turned to curiosity which turned to fun and then destruction. I had a friend who was there with me most of the way and I will call him B. I havent seen him for a few years . The last I saw him was when he was homeless and he stayed with me for a few days, he smelled so bad, he was addicted to heroin & all I could do was let him stay with me a few days while using in my house because I know what would happen if he didn't. At the time,  he was in complete denial and had a plan to stop himself, he was losing it and I didn't know how bad he was until he was on google earth convinced that the cars in the screen were following him. It was then I knew I couldn't do anything to help him. I couldn't get him help because he was a grown adult and I told him I couldn't see or talk to him because it was too painful to see and brought me back to when I battled my own demons. It was hard but I knew the next time I would  hear about B would be that he died or that he got arrested. The last I heard was that he was doing horribly, living with some girl who used up all her veins so she was shooting up in her pussy. He would contact me here and there and whenever I wrote back, all I asked was if he stopped using. A couple months ago though, I felt the urge to contact him, just to tell him I never forgot about him and I didn't hear back until..yesterday, B contacted me. He told me he was in rehab, been to jail for three months but I secretly wish they kept him longer. The success rate for staying off heroin is like less than 10%, I guess I don't want him released into the world just yet. I'm seeing him on Sunday and I'm trying to not get my hopes up. I told him we all love him and miss him but he seems to dodge those details as well as getting better. I wonder when I talk to him if he will be sane, if he will see what this drug has done to him and realize that he can live a better life. I can't say B did all this to be the cool kid, I think B did it because his personality is an addictive one and although he drove nice cars & was given a comfortable financial life, something was missing. He gets out mid feb & I wish so badly he could get his innocence back. I know within the first few minutes I see him that I will know if he is serious about stopping or not. B was a man of extremes, all the way or nothing at all. I just never want to get that message that he died.

to my three friends going through their breakups... hang in there xoxo

http://news.moviefone.com/2013/01/18/don-jons-addiction-joseph-gordon-levitt_n_2508820.html

so pretty 

all i want to do is cry. its sunday, a beautiful day out and i had to come back home because my body feels like someone beat me and i have a fever again. yesterday, i had two bloody noses . im sick of being sick or telling people i feel sick. i just want to know whats wrong. i want to be able to go out and have energy to do things without feeling sick after. i feel trapped in my house right now. im so angry

SHORT DISCLAIMER: If you wonder why I air out my secrets & guts on facebook and may ruin the potential of a future job , love or friend its because I have the balls to tell you what is really going on and I believe I have the balls to say it. This is therapy for me since my therapist did not work out. Don't like it? Don't click my link to come here. I do this because when I wrote my past post , I had people reach out to me who I didn't talk to for years about their struggles. I am not alone and neither are you. Life is good but life is also bad and you need to accept the challenges . Be mad about it, be sad about it. The truth shall set you free.

What's fucking wrong now, Diane?  I am hoping this helps me the way I think my post I took down did. I wish so bad I could write about my drunken adventures, losing my car, something to make you or me smile but I live in the present  & presently, I feel like an annoying, hypochondriac, fucking liar who is always sick. I feel like a piece of shit friend who flakes on everyone & everything. I feel like I am waiting for someone to tell me something I already know. What am I talking about? Well, if you are here, you probably already know because you are close to me but maybe you don't because you aren't.If you do know, just read what is in color. I want to first say that I am about to say is not 100% confirmed yet. I am not saying I have a disease but I am saying, that I know something is wrong & if I indeed have this disease, then fuck why now. Stay positive I know, I'm trying .. I am fucking trying!!!  But its hard when you have a fever  every other day, your body aches, you feel so tired , you have a bloody nose in your sleep -and the worst is waking up and realizing even though your always sick that the past month feels different. An hour ago I had a breakdown, I woke up from a nap and cried and cried and ran to my mom like a hopelessl  little girl. She felt my neck and in between my legs. We both knew I was running a fever and when I look at her eyes I know she believes me. My dad is addicted to skyping me and I cried as he watched me feeling scared. He told me everything is going to be ok but I know he is more scared than me. What am I talking about? Well, about a month ago, I started getting huge bruises half the size of my leg on my front left leg and front right leg. My body achy , my joints, i kept getting mouth sores (lack of sleep ones), etc..being the hypochrondriac I am, I told myself by googling things "I had leukemia" so I went to my doctor and ran some blood tests. 2 weeks ago, I got a call to come in to discuss the results. I knew when I got the call something was wrong but realistically I thought a vitamin deficiency. Instead, it turns out I tested positive for ANA- a preliminary test for having lupus. Lupus is a longterm auto immune disease where your antibodies don't know good from bad so they attack your bodies tissues. It ranges from mild to severe, there is no cure. There are medications to manage, lifestyle changes etc. The problem has been this: I gave more blood and it takes 2 weeks to get back. It's been week one and I called and no results. NO FUCKING RESULTS. SOMEONE TELL ME AM I GOING CRAZY AND MAKING MYSELF SICK? SOMEONE TELL ME IF I HAVE LUPUS. SOMEONE PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME. You know, I feel always misunderstood. Such an ungrateful, depressing person Diane is, emotional and not optimistic but I will have to say, if anything I have the pain of never feeling understood and I don't blame anyone although I wish I could sometimes. Is it reasonable for someone to understand my depression with my brain? My sickness with my body? No its not possible. When I first found out this situation , my gut feeling was that I have lupus. Either way, if it is lupus or not, my immune system is apparently inflammed. It all makes sense, sick all the time... they say you get fevers that come and go all the time, that people think its in your head because your symptoms & severity are different every day. This sounds just like me but maybe its not. but my GUT as I lay here warm as fuck and wanting to scream and ask someone why.... why now when my heart is broken and I need my body to be strong. Pity fucking party right? Well this is the colored part, the hardest part that in one week I will know. If I have lupus, do not  downplay it. I can't stand the reactions I get from people sometimes regarding things eventhough I know they are trying to help. The truth is though, I don't like downplaying things. People with lupus can live long healthy lives but people with lupus can also live short unhealthy lives. It's a guessing game disease. You can manage with medications but you can also have 30% kidney failure, liver etc. You can work full time but you can also get so sick you can't work.  You can carry a baby but you can also highly miscarry. You get me? STAY FUCKING POSITIVE RIGHT? TAKE BETTER CARE OF MY BODY? Yeah let me fucking do that when I have the energy needed to actually go to the gym. Let me do that when I don't fucking sleep. I know working out & eating healthy , a lifestyle change is what I need regardless of lupus or not. But my body feels weak, I'm scared to push myself - what if I get sicker? I don't want to miss work, I don't want to not go out, I don't want to keep flaking on people I make plans with. The sad thing is I know if I have this disease, that it will come in waves of severity and i will be able to count on my hand how many people don't get annoyed or believe that I feel sick after hearing it ALL THE TIME. This is why they have support groups. I'm sure I will lose more friends than I already have and who the fuck wants to date or marry someone who is also sick or can't do things? I know, its not 100% but im preparing myself . You know, once I dated someone and we broke up because I was sick so much , I think he got bored. im sick of being so negative , change DIANE, change. Humans are predictable, people disappoint you and although people may know , people forget. 
IM SAD AND IM SCARED- if this isnt lupus, is it another immune disease? am i just sick a lot? and why can't I tell the one person who I want to tell the most? My old best friend? I thought about telling her, but then I realized she probably doesn't want the stress of my life anymore- a reason I believe we aren't friends and maybe she can't handle me being sick like her father so maybe it is for the best. I think of her often, I think of the person she was and who she is now and who I am now.  im almost done , i promise. wow i have a raging fucking fever. fuck u lupus. fuck u body and everyone who thinks im a liar or thinks everything is in my head and fuck me if it is. The good thing is I know I have some good people around me now. so thank you. i think its sick of me to think that maybe if it was something terminal people would actually believe me. this lupus bs, live with it everyday of your life bs. not lupus? i will let you know . thanks for reading.

This blog is a boring mess. A mess of my struggles in love & the desire to feel it forever. I write as I listen to Lana Del Rey- her music moves me. Her voice , her face , everything beautiful but you know she is broken and shy through watching her perform live & do interviews. Music is the only thing I can say knows how I always feel. No one will understand you completely, but music does. I have noticed that when I meet someone who  loves music like I do,  that this mutual passion for music makes me feel understood & happy. Not just the beats, not just the way the tunes makes your body move, but how the words connect to your soul. Lately, I am trying to stay really positive. Keep busy so I don't think about a few things. I did notice though that my ex did not contact me today. The first day since our break up which was almost two months ago. I won't contact him because maybe we do need a day apart, the day to weeks, weeks to months and then he is a friend who I was once in love with. My anniversary for staying clean off any hard drugs is tomm. I will celebrate this in silence & remember that I survived a demon.. i know noone remembers this date but me. I know I love crystal meth, I know if I saw it, I would do it and thats how I know I am an addict. But I know that part of my life is over..but it doesn't mean that I don't miss the rush, the way it made me feel, look and it was my secret. I don't mean to glorify drugs but they do what they are meant to do- make your world a little glazy & protected. Sometimes I don't believe I was that girl but then again sometimes I don't believe I am the woman I am today. I try to be better but my smile was just a frown. Stay positive because life is good, Diane. One day I will receive the love I give.

is this the first day of no contact? am i finally moving on and is he? hardest break up of my life.

Diane Kim is a hopeless romantic. :(

love his work !

r
makes me smile.

blog is getting boring. nothing too funny going on but im working on some more music finds and i just found out Crystal Castles is coming to concert in April so i'm excited about that. Its sunday, im resting and I cant get this out of my head: has there ever been a time where the right thing was right in front of you all along and you went for the wrong? I'm feeling that and I know everything happens for a reason but I cant help but feel regrets.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hig5uLy2fe0

im a fucking mess. too busy to get better . missed my therapist appt. got called into the doctor again. cant get over my ex. bitching bitching bitching.

My 20's !!!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/15-guaranteed-things-that-will-happen-to-you-in-your-20s/

Guaranteed things that will happen to you in your 20's article. 
SO TRUE!

Kate Upton
I like her because she represents us girls with curves. I am convinced her boobs are real and awesome.

So I just got back from a 2 week work break and it was definitely a little rough to come into work haha. I have a bruise on my left eye right now because I answered my iphone last night in a hurry and slammed the corner of the phone into my eye/face... I know.. who does that?! hahaha. I've been doing better with my breakup, a little. Sigh, I just think i'm a hopeless romantic and like to be in relationships but im trying to channel my inner teenage life again. Busy week and I'm trying to get a ticket to Switzerland to go see Lana Del Rey who I love. Current tune I love of hers:

Marina & The Diamonds. 

Good shit. 

I am considering going to Geneva , Switzerland to see her & my sister. Lana Dal Rey, beautiful voice & human.

Love HER! 

need to be here.......... PARADISE.

Trust can go a long way or like depicted here, it can go away. I've always lived by the motto to trust nobody but yourself 100%. Because people are human, people lie, make mistakes and trust is broken. I'm not saying don't trust anyone. I'm saying don't give it away so easily. I recently trusted someone and as much as I feel bad letting them go, it was necessary to move forward. 

Officially 2013 and I wish the pain of losing someone I loved more than anything was gone. I wish I didn't think of him or have hope that I could be with him. It has been a month and a half and although I don't cry everyday anymore, I still wish things would've worked out.This is the hardest break up of my life. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and go out and move on but it's hard. I am not religious, but I do believe in a higher power. I can say within the last couple weeks, I am back in touch with people I haven't been and meeting new friends without trying to. I believe that higher power is telling me to love life again without him.I just wish I could make quicker progress. XOXO dee