sometimes you don't feel like you deserve something or  someone because you think you don't deserve it. what if it makes you happy but you're scared it will go away? i feel that way these days. im sad tonight because i dont feel so good, physically and im trying to rest so i can go out tomm for a friends bday. im sad because i keep getting these medicial bills that are high..so high  i just want to pretend they aren't there. but im happy because im watching a lot of good films tonight. catching up on things. one of the films i watched was "End of Watch," it was a very real and gritty account of life as an LAPD and as intense of a film it was, of course the line i remember is when the two partners talk about when you know you should marry someone. "when you can't live without them" is the answer, simple, but  at that moment i wished i could feel that way one day. I'm watching  "The Sessions" now, it is a critically acclaimed indie film about the true story of a severely disabled man. Smart and he went to Berkeley, 38, a virgin and explores life through a sex surrogate. I just started it but its beautiful. I looked up what a sex surrogate is vs.a prostitute. They work with you or here is the wiki defintion: A sexual surrogate may be a Certified Sex Therapist who is a member of a sex therapy team who engages in education and sometimes intimate physical relations or sex with a patient to achieve a therapeutic goal. I'm interested to see where this will go. I realize watching this film that he deserves everything in life too. That there is no reason to judge his need for sex and love. maybe this means i do deserve something, someone who is good for me eventhough i think i may not be good for it or them. im done for the night. xoxo dee