8.30.14

Beaches on TV- Hillary father was sick -
Plants are dead
Sick - be there

Homeless buck
you are beautiful but there is something that tells me you dont know that.

so sad

sometimes i get so sad
i feel nothing
but pretend i do
i guess that what i have to do to stay alive

Goddess. Love Her

Atelophobia

i see this everyday and it breaks my heart. 

i feel it everyday and it breaks my heart. 

why do we live in a world where just being who we are

our insides 

are not enough? 

stop staring at me but stare in me.

10 ways

http://www.thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/

This week

I dont want to go to therapy for many reasons so I'll write instead. 

My anxiety is getting worse. 

Going out in public- wanting to do much at all. 

I want to wake up soon and feel better.

Moments of laughter, moments of happiness then I am alone and I feel empty. 

What is my purpose in this world?

Place for comfort, place for pure exposure

I haven't written for so long. A lot has to do with time, a lot has to do with the fact that my blog became a place of sadness and I wanted to post about happy things. However; any good musician or writer will tell you its sometimes much more interesting to write about the bad. Note: I am not a good writer, I always am very well aware of my public outcry of
FML  but I don't care because I delete or because although i  get ZERO likes on fbook, I know someone read it. I know because there is a counter on this blog- its numerical or someone will message me something which is always nice. I never write for sympathy nor do I ever want to be seen as "poor me" At 27, I have learned that a lot of the issues in this world are how I react and it is up to me on how to be. However; change is hard. I know that I'm a sensitive person, I feel everything, I think a mile a minute, I care too much and then I shut down. If you have ever read this before, you'll know I have battled depression since I was 16 years old. I take medication everyday and have for years now and my dream is to one day wake up and never see those pills again. Am I sad everyday? No way. Do I want to end my life everyday? No. But every year, there will be times when I am lower than ever due to my brain chemistry, outside situations whatever it may be and I'm writing because I feel a deep low coming my way. Please note: I am well aware I have anything a person could want, a good job, family, friends , boyfriend, nice things, roof over my head. People have it much worse than me I know. The problem is the guilt knowing that and still feeling so incredibly empty. My brain is blank when I am alone. It starts off as losing more and more sleep. I don't sleep much anyways. My bed is my haven. I wake up and start feeling nothing. I do my routine, stay positive the best I can but I slip and I am unhappy and I don't know why. Well, some reasons yes, but there is more. I then start to fixate thoughts on how to not be on earth anymore. Please don't worry because when it gets bad, I don't say a word. I've been in this cycle for 11 years, i sleep it off or I try. I have wasted thousands of dollars on medical bills to pay for my actions and this is not why I am writing. I am writing because

I don't want to pay for therapy anymore. Writing helps me. I guess I could keep it to myself but I guess exposing myself makes me feel better understood. The worst thing is never feeling understood. I hide my depression from my boyfriend because he is the happiest person I know. Fear of losing him is high on the list. I have lost a lot of friends due to the way I am. Flaky, too busy with work, hiding in my room etc. my fault but partially I sometimes wish my friends knew that I loved them, that I try my best to be a good friend but sometimes I can't so I probably do deserve losing them. In many ways, I am selfish because I do everything I want to do to protect myself  or be alone. In many ways I am not because I will never do anything to change and focus all my energy to something else. Recently, it has been work. I work all the time and I know it is for the reason of me feeling like I need to prove myself to something or someone for never finishing college partially due to my poor decisions.  I do it because it takes the focus off me and how much i need to change. I went to the dentist today, I stared at that light (picture) for one hour and I just cried  in that chair because I felt so empty and I wanted it to go away. Poor dentist thinks I'm a weirdo but I just stared at that light and told myself, if today, I could choose to live or die , I would choose the latter. Then I went to visit my dad at work (he works right by the dentist)  and I went to him because I wanted a hug. I saw him and like everyone else, told me what I need to do, act on it. and I left crying because sometimes I just want to be understood. I came home and it was light out still so I went into my closet where I stared and told myself that I can't let this disease kill me, that I need to be a better friend and that I need to change. 

If only that were so easy I say. One day at a time, one day at time. 

Friday Night Confessions or Videos

Hi Facebook World, Strangers, Friends, People who take the time to visit, 

I know that when I post my blog on facebook that people don't like it or comment but I find the best part is when someone tells me they did read it.  It's like my secret place and hopefully you find my space to be interesting, shitty, lovely, whatever you want. While most of you are out with friends or drinking, out to movies , etc. I will say im the other part of the population, home on a friday night, watching you tube videos. I stumbled upon two.. that if you have 50 min .. i recommend watching but be warned: I am a hopeless romantic but i left feeling how I should feel: happy to be alive. With so much going on these days around the world, in the US and even in our daily lives, I think we often (myself included) find reasons to complain. Reasons to be unhappy. I guess these two videos were my Friday night reminders that despite my ongoing issues with depression, I should and try my best to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, moments in time..whether you know me well or know me not so well.. its no surprise that I've been battling depression for almost 10 years. Depression is a disease not an excuse, its made me do things to hurt the people i love, hurt myself and lose friends. I lost my best friend to depression who couldn't understand that as much as I wish I could've chosen to want to live at a certain point in my life like her father an grandmother, that I couldn't. I am not mad at her for not wanting to be my friend, since i will never truly know how it feels to lose your dad until that day comes for mine. All i can say is that I simply miss her and that I'm sorry she couldn't understand. This isn't meant to be a sob story but I'll be honest, recently I've been up and down about my recent weight gain. Everything is in my control but sometimes my bed wins and sometimes these videos of love or survival or these reminders that life is precious are what get me through my day. I enjoy a good cry too i admit..its so crazy you know.. I used to tell my sister to not cry as a kid. I told her it was a weakness and then after certain circumstances, that layer broke through and i realized that emotions are healthy. Male or female, I believe that everyone has a point in their life where they aren't happy. About their work life, their love life, their personal appearance etc. If someone takes the time to watch one video and if that can make your day or night better then this was not a waste a time.

Thanks for visiting. 

Thanks to those who continuously show me their love. I know im not a perfect person and I won't ever try to be. 

XOXO dee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NjKgV65fpo 

Video on a teenage boy's last days battling cancer 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVTr5MNa_8Y&feature=c4-overview&list=UUwQLcyLbfm2erg_j0_ZTG5Q

The director who helped with the video above (the one where celebrities sing) proposed to his gf. Parts are corny but the end is the best. I think everyone hopes to find love like that.

Who, What, When, How of Online Dating

Hi Everyone, 

I took a much needed break on my blog. Call it laziness, call it realizing that I was writing to express my relationship issues or just issues! See I know! Anyways, I am writing this blog for a new friend and for all my other friends or people I don't know. I've had a lot of people ask me about online dating so here it is. I've helped with friends profiles, selections, interpreting messages etc. It is no secret to many that I started to online date when I was 20. Was I a serial online dater? No... I never met a lot of people or would go on a date Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat. People do it but quite frankly I have a bad memory and I don't have the time to do that and meet that many people. I'm 26 now and 6 years ago, online dating was still a little embarrassing.  I was also the youngest girl on there. Why did I do it? Because I was in a routine of work and home and meeting guys at bars was fun but not ideal. Ok enough about me. Here are my tips and what I believe will make you successful at online dating based on my experiences and what I've heard. 

Who: 

1) Do not just meet anyone. Ok obviously right? Ok, what  I'm saying is don't just meet the first few people who message you or ask to meet right away. There are tons of people on this thing- you think you don't have options but you do - and im talking for girls and for guys.  People deactiviate or activate profiles all the time. Be confident , don't settle and have fun!!

What: 

Your profile if you are a girl should not be too long. Your profile for a guy should not be too short- it shows zero effort and zero personality. Pictures should include you actually doing something-on vacation, physical activity, with friends and maybe even family if that is important to you. If you are concerned about the privacy of your friends or family- just include pictures that show something you enjoy to do. Don't just upload pictures of your face taken by yourself. A funny one is nice to have too. 

When & How: 

Online dating is scary. There are creeps . Guys who stalk. Girls who stalk and much  more. I've gotten messages for three-somes, guys who won't leave me alone.. but guess what.. you just don't reply.   Honestly, I have never met a bad guy or had a bad  date. Many remain friends and I have found love online. I've heard the horror stories and although i secretly wanted to experience it (guy trying to escape  me or me trying to escape them ) i am grateful for the positive experiences. If you want to actually meet someone for a relationship- there are a few KEY RULES and UNDERSTANDINGS.  You need to go into this realizing and accepting that everyone is talking to 10+ people and you will be too. This isn't for the lazy. Don't reply too quickly but don't wait more than 1-2 days because that person may have already "eliminated you" as an option to be frank or have decided they have person 1-5 and and your # 7 and won't reply to you anymore. The best way to online date is to have a pool of maybe 10 , and keep narrowing it based on the mail exchanges  ( maybe after 2-3 messages ) numbers will be exchanged and depending on a few texts- and a phone call- you should maybe meet 3/10 people.  Why? Because this way you can remember everything , you can focus on finding a quality person and aren' t just going on useless dates wasting time and money again and again. Let the guy ask for your number and initiate a call if you are a girl but I am all about the girl doing a profile search and being the first to message the guy if interested. Why? because there are a lot of people online, maybe your dream guy didn't come across you but you came across him instead. Make every message  a paragraph maybe two but no longer. Ask at least two questions based on their profile for the first message and if the communication starts, always ask 1-2 questions to keep the convo open. If you don't get a reply, don't get offended, don't obsess about that person not responding . As a female and male, accept that 50% , maybe more wont reply. Maybe the person isn't interested, maybe they are dating a few people already and don't want to add more to their situation,  maybe they don't go online often, maybe they are on vacation.. don't obsess ok? A person may be hot , have a good profile but you won't know until you talk to them more. Another key rule: Don't fall in love after date 1, 2, or 3. Don't expect this person to want to quit their account and date you right away exclusively. To be honest, I've noticed guys have a problem with this a lot. They don't want to know the girl is out on a date with someone else- that they have competition. If you can't get over this, you can't online date. This was something I worried about too. What if I really like a guy after a few dates and he likes me too but he ends up choosing someone else? Be prepared for it because it can happen. The worrying stopped when I just decided that "yes, I want a boyfriend" but when its right, we will both eventually choose each other. If this person chooses someone else, maybe I just earned a friend or a few experiences/dates where i had a good time. Also, I don't agree to meeting for coffee. I feel like i'm worth more than a 5.00 drink and quite frankly if you want to judge me in a few minutes and make it quick just in case i'm weird .. well you have no balls. Take the girl to eat a meal.. do something fun.. I always find that it makes things more comfortable to say if you are nervous, to be honest and say you are new to online dating if you are and you can laugh about it. You can ask their experience in terms of how they like it but no questions about how many people they are dating currently etc. I don't like to play games although everyone knows you have to in the beginning to an extent... but being honest is the best approach to online dating. You are seeing 3 people now and don't want to see 1/3? Tell him/her right away, nicely, respectfully and hopefully they are mature enough to not be upset and understand. You don't need to be disrespectful and just not reply to messages or texts anymore if you already met them and they aren't psychos ( you shouldn't be in this situation though, remember!) When I would message a guy the first time, at the end I wrote, "i hope i hear from you and if not, good luck on here." because you assume that everyone is on here for the same thing-to find someone to love and you should want to wish that  happiness on them.

If you want to be more selective and want to get to know the person more, these days asking if they have Facebook could be helpful. You can see more photos etc. Is this stalking ? sure but they will stalk yours too..trust me. Just go into this whole online dating thing not expecting much but willing to give the time and effort to be successful.. this way I didn't get disappointed but instead felt good when I did have a good date. If you are a girl, don't expect the guy to pay every date.. you should offer too! Avoid having a profile that seems like you are trying too hard. Girls = writing too much Guys = too corny! too many funny lines 

How I rate the online sites: 

1) OKcupid- best looking crowd- no fee- most success - no fee = hey im casualy trying to be with someone and if it works out = hell yea

2) Plenty of Fish- Creepers/sex, never done it

3) Match.com- you pay and the crowd isn't as good-fee = im trying really hard for love? thats how i felt.. some people have accounts on there forever.. trust me. i know of them.

Do i think i am an expert on love? No way! I've had my heart crushed, i've crushed hearts .. everything! But i do know that im pretty good at judging character and social habits. Need help? Message me! 

XOXO

Dee

PS: There is more probably I am missing- this is long and good luck!! 

Concerts & Art & Wine

Concerts!! Art & Wine Festivals! 

I've been really bad about my blogging.. but I'm bored and I need somewhere to log all this and maybe you'll find a concert or art/wine festival to go to! :)  Let me know if you plan on going to any and want to meet up!

XOXO 

Dee

CONCERTS:

July 19th- Atmosphere & Slightly Stoopid- Greek Theatre - GOING!

July 26th & 27th - The Postal Service- Greek Theatre

July 26 & 27th-Eddie Griffin- San Jose Improv

August 9,10, 11- Outside Lands- Golden Gate Park - GOING AUG 10!

August 17th- Rebelution & Matisyahu- Greek Theatre

September 14-15 - Rock the Bells- Shoreline 

September 20- Lee Fields and the Expressions- Bimbos 365

October 12- Jack Johnson- Fox Theatre

October 19-20- Treasure Island Music Festival 

November 1- Iron & Wine- Fox Theatre

November 10- Selena Gomez

Jan 22- Nitro Circus Live- HP Pavilion

*Need to check out Yoshis in Oakland or SF- Food & Concert Daily

ART & WINE FESTIVALS:

July 13-14- Los Altos Arts & Wine Festival- Los Altos

August 3-4- Oakland Art & Soul Festival, Oakland

August TBD- Oakland  Chinatown Streetfest 

August 24-25- Palo Alto Festival of the Arts- Palo Alto

September 7-8 Mountain View Art & Wine-Mountain View

September 14-15- Santa Clara Art & Wine - Santa Clara

Oct 13-14-Oktoberfest- Campbell 

http://boblivingstone.com/married-for-forty-years-how-did-we-make-it/

Interesting how things turn out. Im happy now, I have a good guy in my life who makes me feel happy. .So many things to do and see and we share the love for music and exploration. He has a good heart  and makes me smile.

Its funny actually how and what happened when I met Mark. I dated him and my ex at the same time and i chose to keeping seeing my ex instead. We didnt see one another until after my ex and I broke up , but he didn't change a bit and we instantly fell back to where we were supposed to be. There was a time I didn't think or want to love again.. my heart was broken and my future destroyed. I found out a couple days ago that my ex is going to be a dad.. with his new gf and besides being in shock i realized, that was the other sign that I was never meant to be with him. I was never meant to marry him or anything. My hopes with Mark are good, I guess it isn't the dream of marriage I want but the dream of an everlasting love and best friend that I search so deeply for. I've lost a lot of good friends over time and lost loves by my choice or theirs and I guess when I see an old couple still in love or exploring the world, I always hope that can be me. I think with any relationship there are struggles, I know Im not easy to date. My days are 50% good, 50% bad and there are times when i dont feel much at all. Im trying hard to be a better person, friend, everything but I know my safe place, in my room, alone is my sanctuary that often wins. I didn't think I could love mark so soon, but I do because of a lot of reasons. He is so sweet and loving. I love you.

you say he is so lucky and i have no idea why this always happens after i leave and cry.

sometimes i have no idea what im doing. what i want

sometimes i wonder about if i will ever get married or not. i love to be alone in abnormal doses.. i find peace in being alone. a friend told me today about his grandma who has vertigo and can no longer sleep upstairs in her room. his grandpa sleeps everyday downstairs with her on a reclining chair. he does the laundry, cooks and takes care of her. i wonder if i will ever find a  love like that. someone to take care of me when im old and wrinkly. sometimes i feel as if my expectations are high and i get disappointed in my relationships- im a hopeless romantic. im in a good one now but i always wonder can i be with anyone i can see everyday ? can anyone ever understand my complex thoughts and reasoning. can my bouts of sadness never hurt them when they come and go in waves. i wonder.

http://www.youtube.com/user/msxjenixe